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Ask Pr. Sophie
Abstract: A 4th year seminarian asks about coming out.
Pr. Sophie Fortresson, our resident expert on all matters of theology, Lutheran etiquette, and social protocol, answers questions submitted by our readers and occasionally simply volunteers advice when no question has been asked. Send your questions to pr_sophie@lutheranconfessions.com.
Dear Pr. Sophie: I am a 4th year student at an ELCA seminary (I'd prefer not to say which) and I expect to graduate and be available for a call in 2008. When I was in college, I thought I was straight, that I was "just like anyone else". Over the last few years, I've grown less and less sure about that, and this past summer, I don't know how else to say it, I fell in love with another man. I can't even begin to describe the weird mix of anxiety and relief I felt when it became apparent that he was falling in love with me as well.
I think I must be gay. (Just writing that is the closest I've come to "coming out" to anyone, and I'm not absolutely certain I have anything to come out about really, except maybe the falling in love thing.)
Anyway, let's just say that I'm gay and I'm in love. My question is, "Now what?" Should I tell my candidacy committee? I don't think it would go well: they might let me finish the M.Div. program, but I doubt they'd recommend me for call.
On the other hand, I think I could just be quiet for a year or so, graduate, get a call, get ordained and see what happens. If the ELCA's attitude changes in 2009 or so, great, but if not, I think it must be easier to come out to a sympathetic congregation than to a candidacy committee.
Please tell me what you think I should do.
Thanks,
Thesis_96
Dear Thesis_96: Pr. Sophie is profoundly grateful to you for sharing something so personal, and whether you are gay or not, the discovery of love is always something to celebrate.
In thinking about what to disclose about yourself, you have encountered an issue that is not often acknowleged: sometimes the "closets" in which our lives are hidden have simply materialized around us. We did not walk into these closets voluntarily. Many of us just woke up one day to find that our lives are not as free as we thought. Sadly, the church is helping to create the closet you're discovering.
Pr. Sophie would not presume to make the "coming out" decision for you, but here are some guidelines worth considering. First, do you understand clearly what you're going to tell people when you come out? You might think that accurate self-knowledge is a given, that there's no way you could be mistaken about yourself, but alas, people often don't know themselves very well. Before you come out to someone else, make sure you have come out to yourself as honestly as you can manage.
Once you've figured out what you're going to say, take the time to figure out how you will know that people have understood you correctly and what to do if you are misunderstood. There is more to coming out than simply declaring that you're gay, and indeed, sometimes saying "I'm gay!" is just a way of retreating further into the closet.
Finally, you may have the option of remaining silent, but saying nothing should be a conscious decision on your part, and you should make that decision very carefully: if you are silent now, will that make it easier or more difficult to come out in the future? If you're silent because you feel unprepared to come out now, what are you doing to prepare yourself to do so?
God's peace be with you always.
